


Before and After the Call

by portlandborn



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 00:12:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14883935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/portlandborn/pseuds/portlandborn
Summary: Jim called to talk to Kevin, but ended up speaking with Pam.  The story covers some of their moments separated in the months after Jim left, and then after the call, as they reconcile their anger.





	Before and After the Call

JUNE

PAM

He was gone, he had left, no word, no note, nothing, not a fucking thing. Pam couldn’t stop staring at his desk, it was all she could see, nothing else would come into focus, only his damn desk. She cried a lot that day, she blamed it on wedding nerves, she thought the others bought her story until she heard Phyllis at the end of the first week saying how hard Jim leaving was on her, that made Pam cry more as she wondered how Roy couldn’t even notice.

Every time she closed her eyes, all she saw was his face, his tears, streaming down his face as she rejected him, as she denied her feelings, but she had to, right? She had to, that’s what she told herself, that’s what she kept repeating to herself in the shower when all she did was cry. Roy barely noticed, he kept asking if she was pregnant, she felt raw, she felt alone.

The first two nights after he left she would stay up late, she would start out sad, crying, and then end up angry, how dare he do that to me, she kept telling herself that he was out of line, that he crossed a line, friends don’t do that. She told herself that Roy was all she needed, but that lie didn’t even last a week. The Saturday after Jim’s disappearance she woke up crying again, she dreamed of him, it should have been a happy dream, but she told him she couldn’t, she saw herself smiling while holding his hand, and then she told him she couldn’t and he vanished, from her dream and her life. Roy just looked at her and drank some coffee, he didn’t even try, and then he just told her he was going out with his brother camping for two nights.

That was it, she didn’t even want to go camping with them, but not being thought of, that was always the case, she was nothing but a mother and after thought that Roy also got to fuck. She screamed at him, oh how she screamed, she told him she was done, done. No more, she couldn’t, she threw the ring at him as her tears flowed, if only he knew that the tears weren’t even for him.

By Sunday night she had packed up and was waiting for a little apartment her mom had found her, she was staying at her parent’s house, for a week or so. Her room hadn’t changed much, her mom was sentimental that way, Pam looked around and saw all of the art she had, the drawings she made, it made her ache, Jim had told her to go for her dreams, but Roy had always told her it was a waste of time, and yet it was the only thing that made her truly happy the past year outside of work, yet she told Jim she was still going to marry Roy and not him. She stared at a drawing she had made in high school, she modeled after a picture in a magazine, but it was a bride, smiling, happy, Pam had been so close to being the opposite of that bride and now her biggest reason for not doing it was gone.

The first week after breaking up with Roy was rough, she saw him every day, he looked hurt, but she didn’t care, she actually thought it was deserved, he couldn’t appreciate her, ever, and now he missed her. She thought of Jim, every day, but she couldn’t bring herself to call him, she felt angry when she got close to calling and would scream and blame him, he left, he didn’t give her a chance. At night, she would think of him, she would dream of him, she would wake up and touch herself as she thought of the kiss, the feel of his hands on her, the love in his eyes, but he was gone and she was stuck, just Pam Beesly in Scranton fucking Pennsylvania.

JIM

Stamford, Connecticut, whoopdee fucking doo. He sang that out loud in his car every day, he was miserable, but at least he didn’t have to see her, he didn’t have to see her throw her life away with him, with Roy, with the one she chose. One night, his third night in Connecticut he had gotten so drunk and was so hurt and angry that he thought he called her number and had told her she could go to hell and she deserved misery since that is what she chose, but the next morning, he realized he left that message at Pan’s Pizza, he felt relieved and cheated at the same time.

He tried to stay sane, he listened to a lot of music, some depressing, some angry, one night, on his second or third drink, he listened to his Slowdive album, the words to Here She Comes, they spoke his truth, they resonated, in his mind, he knew, the sadsack in the song, it’s him. The lyrics, not bitter, not angry, just factual, that’s how he started to feel, yes, he was sad, but she rejected him, that was fact. He was in love with her, maybe she was in love with him, she was at least confused, but it wasn’t enough, so here he was in Connecticut. 

A month had almost passed by now and he wasn’t sure anybody at his new office even knew his name, they just called him Big Tuna, stupid fucking Andy. Jim told everyone he just wasn’t used to his new place and he had allergies, but every time he thought of her, or the Slowdive song would come on his playlist he would get red eyes, holding back the tears just enough.

At the end of June, he came home and looked at the calendar and laughed, it had been one month, he wasn’t sure if it had gone by fast or slow, his apartment still only had a couch and a bed, everything else was boxes. His house had more beer bottles than anything else, that was depressing, but it was also getting him through right now.

Kevin called him that last day of June, he kept asking him why he hadn’t come back for Pam, didn’t he know the wedding was off? Of course, he knew, everyone had told him, fuck, stupid Kevin had texted him that at least seven times over three days. The fact was, it didn’t matter, she rejected him, she said no, and that was his answer, so here he was.

JULY

JIM

The convention was tomorrow, shit, Michael and probably Dwight, wouldn’t that be fun. He was drinking less now, most nights, he’d get to four beers and then get sleepy, he would watch Sports Center even though he didn’t care about it now, but Pam hated sports, so it didn’t remind him of her.

When he got to Philly for the convention, he felt better, a change of pace, new scenery, he was doing better. He didn’t drink much the first day, he kept busy, he was messing with Dwight some which felt good, yet empty without his sidekick. Then Michael flipped out and was sad, he thought Jim left because he wasn’t a good boss, Jim didn’t think Michael was a good boss, but he’d never tell him that, it was Michael and an unfortunate mix of low IQ, paranoia, and self esteem issues made him a mess to the truth about most things. Jim ended up telling Michael his Pam problems, again.

After the convention, he got back to his apartment and was disgusted by himself, he cleared out what ended up being eight boxes of beer bottles, three huge bags of trash, and he bought a little furniture, a dresser and an entertainment center. He was playing videogames again, he was playing basketball with Martin from work, he was trying a little.

Then he got a call from his friend and ex-roommate Mark. “Jim, how’re you doing? This place sucks without you! I saw that weirdo from your old work, Dwight, man he’s a freak, it was at paintball, it was like watching Martin Sheen at the beginning of Apocalypse Now, but no MP’s came to take him away.”

Jim laughed, “yeah, he’s crazy. How’re you doing man? It’s good to talk, sorry I haven’t called.”

“Don’t worry, buddy, I know it hasn’t been easy. Nicole’s moving in with me, so thanks for forcing that.” They both laughed, “I went to help her move out of her old place, she had a new neighbor, very cute lady.”

“Yeah, you stepping out on Nicole slime bag?”

“No, no, not my type, she’s a receptionist at Dunder Mifflin.”

“No shit? Small world, thank God Nicole’s moving so some awkward conversation won’t take place.”

“Jim?”

“Yeah Mark?”

“She didn’t look good. She’s on her own, she’s sad, she looked sad. Why not call?”

Jim couldn’t take it, his throat started to tighten, “Hey, man, I uh, I better go, but thanks for the call.”

“Sure thing, Jim. Take care, okay?”

“You bet, bye Mark.”

PAM

Some art classes, those would be good, she was enjoying being able to have a little freedom, she’d taken some seminar classes, but now she wanted to take some weeknight or weekend courses. Michael came back from the convention talking about how good Jim was and how he missed Michael but liked the good money there. Michael kept talking about how good Jim was with the ladies, she wondered if it was true, but she tried not to think of it.

She still cried over him some, but less. Then she saw Mark. At first, she couldn’t place him, she thought he kept staring at her, she had been painting on her little balcony, it had been a tough day, she kept crying, Dazed and Confused came on cable and she thought of Jim and the day Ryan started the fire, so of course she was crying when Mark placed her.

“Pam?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, you look familiar, I know we’ve met, but I’m a bit of a mess lately.”

“I’m Mark, Jim’s roommate, sorry, ex-roommate, my girlfriend lives here, two apartments over, she’s moving in with me.”

“Oh, congratulations.”

“Thanks, do you talk with Jim?”

Pam was so angry at herself, the mention of his name with the movie on just pushed her over the edge, she tried her best to not cry, “no, I’m afraid we had a falling out, um, I, should go inside, sorry, broke up with my fiancé and still dealing.”

Pam wondered for nights after that if Mark told Jim, if Jim still talked to him, if Jim ever thought of her.

AUGUST

PAM

Dwight and Michael were being weirder than normal, Dwight had to stand up with some sign, he had apparently betrayed Michael, but Pam paid attention to things less than normal lately. Roy would pass through the office a lot now, she hated it, but she smiled and waved. She had never told him she loved Jim and not him, she wanted to, but now, it seemed so futile, they were broken up, Jim was gone, why stir things up for nothing?

Pam was looking for fans at the store one night when she heard her name, she swore to herself, she was in a ratty t-shirt hoping not to see anybody, her apartment didn’t have A/C so she wanted another fan, that’s all, just a damn fan, so when she turned around and saw Katy, Jim’s sort of ex, she wanted to scream. Her mind was screaming “of fucking course, nothing or no one will let me forget!”

“Hi Katy, how are you?”

“I’m great, no A/C?”

“No, that’s why I look a mess.”

“Oh, you’re fine. How’s married life?”

Pam held up her hand, “we broke up, it wasn’t right, he wasn’t the one, I realized I needed romance, not just a routine.”

Katy nodded, “I hear that, Jim didn’t have a romantic bone in his body, the sex was incredible, but he didn’t want that a lot either, he’s an interesting guy. Do still see him every day?”

Pam fought back the emotions, she had to conquer this eventually, “um, no, he transferred to Connecticut, a few months ago, very end of May.”

“Too bad, he was a good lay, some nights that beats nothing at all. Well, nice to see you Pam.”

Pam said goodbye Katy, hurry and bought her fan and ended up spending the night crying in the bathtub. Katy’s words ran through her ears about Jim not being romantic, she knew why, and it made her feel worse. Jim loved Pam, not Katy, at least Jim called it off with her, Pam wondered how long she had truly not loved Roy, not the way she loved Jim. Katy’s words about Jim’s sexual prowess didn’t help either, now she was curious, aroused, and depressed, the holy trifecta for a huge fucking mess.

JIM

August had been rough so far, today was the icing on the cake at work, all the other morons, even Josh, play Call of Duty, like it’s fucking important, he had been yelled at by six different people for fucking up a computer game he didn’t like. Normally he would bash idiots with coworkers, but he was starting to wonder if he was the office idiot there, there was no one to talk to, to truly talk to, like Pam, but she had chosen, she had made her choice and he moved on, he had to. 

That day sucked, only made worse when the Slowdive song came on again, the lyrics sounding just like him, his situation. Stupid random play, when the fuck would he learn. But the lyrics:

It’s so lonely in this place  
So cold I don’t believe  
And as no-one knows my name  
It’s easy to pretend  
It’s easy to believe  
There’s a shadow on my wall  
It dances like my soul  
Dances like my soul  
It’s so cold now  
I swear it will be warm  
Here she coms now

He wrote the lyrics down that night and put them on the fridge, nothing like a visual reminder of who you are now, but who gives a fuck he thought. He had finally finished putting together his dresser, so his clothes had a place they belonged, even though they were still mostly on the floor, but who cares if no one sees it.

Jim’s August was about to get worse though, as he came home from work one evening, his mom was waiting for him. Normally he wouldn’t care, but his place was a mess and he had just stocked up on beer, for a while.

“Jim,” he could feel his eyes rolling already as her lecture would start, she didn’t though, she looked like she pitied him, fuck, he was pathetic, “do you need some help?”

“No, mom, I’ve got it.” She followed him into his apartment, staying silent as she walked past the dirty clothes, dirty dishes, pizza boxes, beer bottles, and videogames.

“Jim, your father and I are worried about you.”

Jim took a deep breath, “well that explains why you’re not lecturing me on the beer and mess.”

“Jim, dear, those are symptoms of whatever is wrong.”

“Is that the college psychology mom?”

“James Halpert, you talk to me respectfully.”

“Sorry mom, just a hard time. I really don’t want to talk about, just trying to survive right now.”

“Jim, living is more than surviving, you need to live, go out, meet friends, do something.”

“Mom, I love you, but that’s not going to happen, I just don’t want to. I tried, last month I played some basketball, went out, but it just didn’t last, the p…it just didn’t work.”

“Have you called her, Jim. Since she turned you down?” Jim froze in place, his throat felt dry.

Jim closed his eyes and fought every emotion, the pain of thinking about Pam, the anger at whoever blabbed to his mom, “What are you talking about mom?”

“Jim, your sister, she was worried, Pam, from work, you talked about her all the time. She was engaged Jim, but she’s not now, Mark told Larissa.”

“Does everyone want to live my life for me? They seem to know everything.”

Betsy Halpert had seen him sad, she had seen him down, but this was new, “Jim, I can see you don’t want to talk, I will go. I just want you to know that we are all here for you. If you don’t reach out and try, then of course you will feel lonely.”

Jim sighed, “Thanks mom, really, I appreciate it, I’m just trying to get through things.”

Betsy nodded, “of course, Jim. I just want to say one more thing. She, Pam, she didn’t have a lot of options Jim, she may love you, but she had to take care of that situation. She was scared, apparently, she is hurting too. I guess it just doesn’t make sense to me, but you are a man, your life is yours to live, but live it Jim, don’t hide. I love you.”

Jim cried more that night than he had in a month, his mom, she made sense, but his fears, they wouldn’t leave him alone, she said no, he had to respect that. She said no.

SEPTEMBER

JIM

Why did she have to pick up the phone? Why was she still there? he had only called to talk to Kevin and then she picked up, for a little while it had been like old times, both joking, both seeming so happy, no mention of the awkwardness, no mention of his declared feelings for her. The drive home, she was all he could think about. “Dammit Pam,” Jim muttered as he drove, tonight would be another sleepless night, he thought he was starting to move one, to move past this pain, but then she had to pick up the phone.

As he entered his apartment, Jim threw his keys against the wall and grabbed his hair with fists as he screamed, he couldn’t do this anymore, there was nowhere far enough to escape his feelings and torture, Stamford was only two and half hours away, what was he thinking. He had been close to asking out Karen, but this, it was too much, his brain was swimming in visions of Pam, the sound of her voice, the warmth of her laugh, he remembered her scent, the soft touch of her lips.

He couldn’t think, he wasn’t hungry, nothing on tv would take his mind off of this, he soon found himself in the shower, the hot water pouring on him, the stream rising, he wanted to forget, to stop feeling what he felt, he had to, but nothing he did helped.

He kept thinking about their call today, it had seemed so loose and free, laughter and warmth, just like before. The frustration was tearing him apart as he slammed his fists against the wall of the shower, he screamed, but nothing helped, in the end, despite all he had done, all he was currently doing, all he could think about was her.

As he got dressed, Jim glanced down and saw his phone, “fuck it,” he said aloud and picked up his phone.

 

PAM

She was crying, why was she crying? It was just a phone call, and they laughed, they enjoyed the conversation, but now, at her apartment, she sat on the couch and cried. The same question flashed through her mind, the same question that she asked herself every day, what are you waiting for?

Jim had told her he loved her, it surprised her, but in the end, she knew she loved him as well. She had broken off the wedding with Roy, she lived on her own now, but Jim was still in another city and they were not together. She wasn’t sure if she had expected him to come in on a white horse and declare his love for her again, he had done his part, he had told her, and she rejected him.

Pam’s self-doubts were out of control, she doubted that she could live up to his expectations, yet deep down, she knew he knew her, better than anyone, sometimes she had thought he knew her better than she knew herself. He was observant, he knew so much about her, he had always taken an interest in her, yet the doubts in her mind would not stop making her think it was doomed to fail.

She need to lay down, she felt faint, she walked into her bedroom and as she lay on her bed, she thought again of how she felt when he held her, how his lips felt against hers, the passion she had felt, something she had never felt before. She closed her eyes and pictured him, yet again, that night, kissing her, declaring his love, Amy sighed as her hand pushed under her waistbands and to her slickening folds, with every thought of him, she would exhale and rub harder, her own juices lubricating her hands and increasing her feelings of arousal, with every touch and wave of pleasure, a pang of sadness would hit her heart, she could have had him, but she told him no, but her hands kept rubbing, trying to force her to feel what she denied herself by denying him. As she finally came a short while later, she shouted his name as if he was the only reason, the true reason she was feeling anything. As she lay there afterward, her hand still in her pants, she could feel herself welling up again, she was confused, she did love him, but he left, he fucking left and gave up.

PAM and JIM

Pam’s phone rang, she sighed, she didn’t want to talk to her mom, she didn’t want to talk to Roy again, it rang three times and she glanced at it, so if it was someone important, she could answer it, not that anyone important ever called. The screen read Jim, she nearly dropped it, she didn’t want him to hang up before she answered, she finally managed to open it and answer.

“Hello?” Her voice sounded weak, almost breathless.

“Pam? This is Jim.” He sounded horse, out of sorts, she knew she had hurt him, but she had her reasons, she thought.

“Hey.”

“Is this a bad time?” He didn’t know what he wanted her to say, he was scared, this had backfired before, would now be any different?

“No, it’s just, can we be honest with each other?”

Jim sighed, tears building up, his heart beating, “of course Beesly, what’s your truth?”

“I shouldn’t have been with Roy.’

“I’m glad you figured that out, I just want you to be happy, you have so much talent and potential, you really do.”

Pam closed her eyes, fighting her tears and the dam holding all her emotions back. “That night you told me Jim, I had to figure things out, I couldn’t just say yes, I couldn’t just run away, even if I wanted to.”

“I’m sorry, Pam, I just held back for so long, I had to tell you, I couldn’t watch you with him, not another moment, no more seeing you cry, no more seeing him keep you back from even your small dreams. I would have lost my mind, not that it’s that much better here, but I don’t have daily reminders.”

“Jim,” she was struggling to breathe she was so nervous, she had so many things she wanted to tell him, but this had to come first, “I know he was bad for me, I know it. His parents were upset, my parents didn’t understand at first until I opened up to them and explained how unhappy I was. I had things to do Jim, I had to.”

“Pam, you don’t have to explain, even if I’m not in your life, I wish you nothing but happiness, I truly do, I, I’ve tried dating, but…it doesn’t matter.”

“Jim, you left. I didn’t know what to do, I was angry, I was sad.”

“Pam, I left because I was dying there, I couldn’t deal with it anymore, I couldn’t sleep, not that I do now, but I’m trying, I had to move on.”

“You didn’t call when you heard Roy and I had broken up, didn’t you mean what you said?” Some resentment came out in her voice.

Jim closed his eyes as tears streamed down, his emotional dam was bursting, “Pam, I made mistakes, I wasn’t brave enough, I coveted the fiancé of someone else, I allowed myself to fall in love when I shouldn’t have, but don’t ever question my love for you. I had never been in love before I met you, not once, and now, you’re still all I think about, how great you are, your smile, your laugh, but I can’t just be your friend, it hurts too much.” He had meant to yell, but the rawness of his words reduced them an angry whisper.

“Do you hate me now?” her tears were now falling, her heart breaking, but she had to get through her questions.

She heard a muffled cry on the other end of the line, “Beesly, I could never hate you, I will sadly probably always fucking love you, God knows I’ve tried, I hate myself, I’ve wanted to move on, I’ve wanted to not love you, not ruin your life, but it hasn’t happened. A new job, nope, didn’t work. Dating someone new, nope, didn’t work, I’ve lost twenty pounds, my doctor thinks I should get counseling, fuck I probably should. I shouldn’t have called you, I’m so sorry.”

“Halpert! Don’t fucking hang up on me! You tell me this shit and don’t let me respond! I had feelings for you then, but I was so conflicted, I shouldn’t have been, but I…I struggle Jim, I’m scared, of failing, of not being good enough, Roy was safe because he was all I knew, he was sooo wrong, but he was safe.”

“Pam, I can’t do this, I feel like my heart is being ripped out again, it’s just, when I was talking to you earlier today, joking around, it’s the only time I’ve been happy in three months. I’m sorry I always seem to drop all this on you, this is on me, not you. I’m sorry…I’m…”

“Jim, I love you.”

“What now?” His heart stopped, the world seemed silent, he wasn’t even sure he was breathing.

“I do, but I’m angry Jim, you wanted a quick answer, then you left, you left, and I was alone, and some of that was my fault.”

“Pam, I’m sorry, I only did what I did because I couldn’t go another day, if you married him without me saying something, my life would be, I mean it’s still a fucking mess and I still would have moved, but I felt like I owed it to both us.”

“To us?”

“Pam, regardless of how you felt, I want the best for you, whether it’s me or someone else, but life with Roy, Roy who couldn’t be bothered to spend time with you or buy little thoughtful gifts, Roy who put down your art dreams, who didn’t want to be away from you for one month so you could follow a dream despite the fact he gets shitfaced with his moronic friends every weekend away from you, I needed to know that even if I couldn’t be with you, that you would be happy, if that wasn’t right, I’m sorry, but I would do the same, every time, I had to, Pam, I had to.”

“Jim, can we meet up?”

“Why?” His shortness worried her, but this yelling over the phone was spiraling out of control.

“Because I need to talk to you in person, tonight.” Silence followed, she wasn’t even sure if she heard breathing from him, “Jim?”

“Wh-wh-when and where?” She could hear the emotion in his voice, the sadness, the fear.

“Tannersville, it’s right on the way between here and there, I should know, I mapquested it, at the Tandoor Palace Bar, it’s open until midnight. Can you meet in two hours?”

“Yeah, I can.”

JIM

Hope? Is that what he felt, hope? He was so unsure of himself these days, he had never been more confident of anything in his life than when he confessed his love to Pam, but now every decision he made was laced with doubt and indecision, he could pretend at work, but outside of the office he wasn’t the same person. He stared in the mirror, did it matter what he looked like? He put a little gel in his hair and ran a brush through it and put on jeans and his favorite Phillies t-shirt. His thoughts bounced around his head, thinking of the scenarios, most were depressing, she had rejected him even though she loved him, she sounded so angry.

Doubt, he felt so much of it, he felt like he had been on a steady diet of doubt since that night, that stupid night. The problem was, he would do it again, all of it, he had to, he was miserable now, but he knew he had been true to himself, that got him through, that allowed him push through to the next day, that got him dressed in the morning, that got him to work, that got him to eat at least one thing everyday despite not feeling like it.

He put some clothes in a duffle bag just in case he didn’t feel like coming back home, he had already called in work and left a message that he wasn’t coming in tomorrow. He opened his drawer on the entertainment center, the only piece of furniture in the apartment other than his bed, dresser, and couch. As he opened it, he picked up the yogurt lid medal she had made, her hands, her creativity, her spark of life that made everything better. So many times he had wanted to destroy it, it was flimsy, it would be easy to crush, but in the end, he never could, he always ended up hitting the wall or screaming in a pillow, angry at himself for being unable to just stop caring.

He opened the front door and looked around his apartment, he loathed this place, not for the place itself, it was close to the coast, it was close to work, but because it represented him, it was empty, hollow, and sad. He wasn’t sure where he would ever feel like he was home now, his heart felt so heavy, but he had to keep going, that’s the only thing he knew.

He started his car and put on his favorite playlist, depressing indie songs that spoke to his condition, bands his friends and family never heard of, Low, Mojave 3, Belle and Sebastian, Band of Horses, Okkervil River, the soundtrack to his heart these days. He drove, focusing on the road, on what was there, afraid to face the unknown right now.

 

PAM

She had showered quickly, curled her hair a little, put on a little make up and then dressed in her new jeans and top that Kelly convinced her to buy, she didn’t mind how she looked, but she hated how she felt. She knew he was tortured, she knew he was not who he had been, and yes, she felt guilt, but she also had so much anger, she did love him, but he left, he gave up, she knew she told him she was going to marry Roy, but that had been three months ago.

The Monday after the casino night debacle, his desk had simply been emptied, erased of the warm individual who had once been there, no goodbyes, no indications he was even thinking of leaving, just an empty desk, a smug Dwight and an angry Michael.

She had an overnight bag already packed, months ago, determined at some point to go to him, but in the end, it only stayed by the door, a constant reminder of her fears and doubts. Her phone buzzed, Roy, he tried calling a lot, but she was done, he wanted to get back together, but she couldn’t do that again, her heart was elsewhere, to a man she thought she knew, but now was unsure, so much had changed. He sounded so bitter, so hollow, a broken remnant of the Jim who had shattered her world with his declaration.

She turned on the radio and didn’t even pay attention to the music in the background, her thoughts were replete with what ifs and maybes, only to have those hopes chased out by the mental picture she had created of “New Jim,” the angry man who didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, and maybe couldn’t forgive.

PAM and JIM

She got to the Tandoor Palace twenty minutes early, there were a decent amount of cars in the parking lot, she didn’t see his car, she started to wonder if he could have just stayed home or turned around during the drive, then she saw his tall frame approaching her car. He knocked on the passenger side door, she waved him in.

“Beesly,” She wanted to scream and cry, his eyes were so empty and sad, he looked so much thinner, and for him, that was really saying something.

“Halpert,” She tried to give him a smile that radiated hope, desire, and love, but the how hell does one smile do that? She just hoped she didn’t look goofy or have something in her teeth.

Jim moved around a bit, trying to get comfortable, “sorry, this car is tiny.”

He smiled, her heart pounded, he smiled, not a shitty grim smile, but a Jim smile, warm, meaningful, “Beesly, that’s okay, this car, it’s so you, so new Beesly, I love it.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.” He stared forward now, he didn’t know how he’d react if he looked at her too much, she loved him, she said so, but why then were things so fucked up, why were both of them so hurt and dejected?

At least a minute passed by in silence, Jim, just looking forward, Pam, stealing occasional glances, she felt a profound sadness, she needed him to give a little, she couldn’t do this all on her own, she had been guilty of holding back, but so had he, and then he left, she was so wrapped up in her growing frustration that she almost missed his words.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” She returned from her pain to the real world, he was looking at her now, a single tear half way down his cheek.

“I’m sorry. I know it wasn’t easy for you, I just thought that, well that you knew you weren’t happy.”

“I wasn’t Jim, but it wasn’t easy, I was stupid, I know that, but it still was so complicated, there were so many different parts to this.”

“I’m sorry, but I also know I had to, Pam, knowing I at least finally truly told you how I felt, it’s the only thing keeping me going these days.”

Pam took a deep breath and wiped away the tears that had started, “where do we go from here, Jim?”

He sighed, fighting the emotions in his voice, “I don’t know, my feelings have never changed, I love you, I’m in love with you, but we are both so…different, I don’t know.”

“Let me ask you this, if there wasn’t this…this void or space or difference between us now, if it was old us, and we were here, I wasn’t with Roy and I had said what I already did, that I loved you, what would you do? What would you want to do?”

Jim closed his eyes and chuckled lightly, “well, we wouldn’t be crying in this damn car, we’d be in the hotel across the street, with your consent of course,” he winked at her, “we’d be releasing the feelings I know we both had, the feelings I saw in your eyes, felt with your touch, heard in your voice.”

“Yeah,” was all she could say, she wanted that more than he could possibly know.

“That’s what fucked with me?”

“Wanting to take me to a hotel?”

Jim laughed, “no Beesly…” he took a deep breath and the seriousness returned, “the feelings I knew you had, I just knew, I knew you felt the same way, then to see you nod that yes you intended to marry him, it broke me inside. I can see now, I wasn’t fair, I shouldn’t have just cut you out of my life, it was just, it took everything ounce of strength and pride I had to finally tell you, and then when you said you still intended to marry him, nothing made sense, nothing was real, I had to get out, I had to leave, Stamford worked because it was there with a place to live and a job, but really, it wasn’t far enough away.”

Pam sniffed as tears were streaming down, he turned an looked at her, then lifted her chin with his finger so they were eye to eye, “I never wanted you out of my life, the opposite is true, I wanted you to be my life, I wanted what Roy had, but I had plans, I wanted to make you happy, to support you, to encourage you in your art, to never make you cry, but this shit now, this is miserable, and I don’t know how to get out of it.”

Pan sniffed again, “you know, Jim, I’m still here, you’re still here, we’re close to this hotel, we love each other, we’ve both said it, I’m not with Roy, why does this other stuff have to matter so much?”

Jim shook his head, “I don’t know, well, no, I do know, because I love you Pam, but I’m not interested in a fuck, I mean, I’ve dreamt about it, I won’t lie, but I can’t handle a part time or one time thing, after everything…the past three months, it would be too much. I have to know that you want, what I want, to try, to make it work.”

Pam felt a surge of anger, “why would you think I wouldn’t want that?”

Jim slumped in his seat, angry at himself, why couldn’t he just shut the fuck up and take her to the hotel room and live out his fantasies, but no, he had to speak the truth and deal with more emotional fallout. “I don’t know what you want? But I also know you haven’t known what you wanted, so I’m scared. I know you don’t trust yourself like you should, I know you don’t see what I see when you look at yourself, you see a shy, clumsy, untalented person, I see Pam Beesly, beautiful, funny, talented. I’m scared that you will doubt yourself and then doubt me. I want this so much, but I can’t just watch it fall apart, if the last three months have taught me anything, it’s that I’m fucking emotionally fragile, and it takes four beers to get me relaxed so I can fall asleep watching tv, sports center to be exact.”

Pam trembled as she started to emote her truths, her deepest fears she knew she had to tell him, “I’m worried that you will wake up next to the actual me and be disappointed.”

“That would never happen, ever, Beesly, I’ve known you for five years and nothing has changed, I’ve watched you way too much, we’ve seen each other through the depressing Dunder Miffler lighting, nothing could change the way I feel.”

“Really, because something changed.” Pam spat bitterly, “you act differently.”

Jim closed his eyes as he was overwhelmed with guilt, “Pam, I was trying to mend my broken heart, the last we spoke, the last time I saw you, the last time I kissed you and held your hands, despite the feelings there, I believed you were going to marry him. I had to move on, I was in unknown territory for me, I ran because I didn’t want to be pathetic in the shadow of you and Roy, but my feelings, they haven’t changed, at all.”

“Okay,” She squeaked, “Jim, this is ridiculous…I love you, do you believe that?”

Jim nodded numbly, unable to speak.

“Do you love me?” Her eyes pierced him, demanding the truth.

“Yes, always.” He croaked.

“Then fuck it.” Pam leaned over, her hands going behind his head, fisting his hair pulling his lips to hers, not the romantic kiss they had shared in the office, but one dripping with passion and frustration from every second that had passed by since the last kiss.

Pam’s lips felt so soft to Jim, as the pressed up against his, her tongue felt like it belonged in his mouth, he almost laughed out loud as he thought this, but then his thoughts were interrupted as her kisses left his mouth and were administered to his face, neck, and ears, their hands now daring to stray from their heads.

Pam pressed her palm against his erection, Jim moaned and moved a hand to her breasts, using a thumb over a hardened nipple through her blouse and bra, Pam sighed contentedly into his neck, “Jim, I want this, I ‘ve never wanted anything more, why hide, there is a hotel right there, I’ve been scared for too long.”

Jim paused for a second then met her gaze with his grin, “meet me in the lobby in ten minutes, let me get a room,” he pulled out his wallet, “here’s…eighty dollars, get condoms, sorry, I wasn’t that cocky before I left my place, and whatever else you think you will need or want, and don’t try to not let me be the gentleman here and pay, I insist, fifteen minutes? I saw a sign for a CVS on the exit, are you okay with this?”

“What about you? What are you going to do?” She smiled, he was Jim again.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get a room and preparations, you just worry about your part, Beesly, get what you need, what you want.” He winked at her, she wanted to do so much more right now, she didn’t know if Roy had ever told her to do what she wanted or needed, her entire adult life had been sacrificing and putting her own needs and wants aside until she didn’t know who she was anymore, very nearly losing herself forever, if not for him, this skinny emotionally destroyed goof in front of her, who loved her, her, not the sex, not the idea of being together, but her.

Pam kissed him again, her hands not wanting to let his head go, but then she released him, and they smiled at each other as he left the car.

PAM

Despite her exhaustion from the day and the emotional conversation with Jim and the drive, all she felt right now was happy, she fumbled with her phone as she pushed a cart through the CVS, she managed to open her contacts and dial the number.

“Pam? What’s up? No art stuff tonight?”

“Penny! It’s finally happening?”

“What, Pam? What are you talking about?”

“Jim called today, by accident, we talked, it was like old times, then we said goodbye, but nothing was said, then he called again, it was terrible at first, we both had a lot of hurt and pain to unload, but now, we’re in Tannersville, he’s getting a room.”

“OH MY GOD!!!! Pam, did you shave your legs? Did you shower today? You’re not on your period, are you? Are you ready?”

“Penny, slow down. Yes, to most of those, no to the period one, but I’m so happy, it’s Jim, even twenty minutes ago, I was unsure, but now, I’m ready.”

“What if the sex is bad?”

“Penny, I don’t know, I just know, it’s me and him, we’ll work it out, but have you seen his hands, his feet? Also, the way he kisses, and I may have sort of an idea of how big…”

“PAM!!!! How?”

“We were a little handsy in our teenage make-out session in the car, especially me.”

Pam had to hold the phone away from her ear as her sister continued to screech, but she felt the same way, she just didn’t want to get kicked out of the drugstore before she got what she needed.

JIM

He was in the room, he had been quick, he had asked for several things to be brought up to the room, he wanted to check it out, make sure it was perfect. The road leading up to this moment had been far from perfect, but this, this he had control of. “Fuck it.” Those had been her words to him and they had been his words before he called her again, and he wanted it to be his motto from now on, fuck everything that had happened, their mistakes, their lack of communication, now, it didn’t matter, they were there, or rather, they were about to be.

Jim heard a knock on the door and he ran to open it, a hotel employee pushed in a cart, with two bottles of champagne, strawberries, and a small yogurt, he had gotten a strange look when he made that specific request. Jim tipped the worker and made sure, again, that they could get meals delivered all night long.

He looked in the mirror, he was taken back by the sad sack with a happy smile looking at him, he took a deep breath, “fuck it,” and he left for the lobby. When he reached the lobby, he picked up his phone and texted Mark.

JIM: about to go on a date

MARK: Nice! Good job

JIM: With Pam

MARK: WTF serious?

JIM: talk to you later

MARK: jim, you better tell me what happened, later, good luck

PAM and JIM

Jim was waiting, sitting, smiling, it had only been seventeen minutes she still had three minutes, there were traffic lights, there could be lines, but…No, he thought, don’t do this, she wants this, she suggested it, she said she loves you. He managed to silence his doubts, but then the time continued, twenty minutes, twenty five minutes, he felt his heart beating faster, he felt beads of sweat, but he had to stay positive, he had to. His watch showed that she was twenty minutes late now, he felt panicked, but he knew he would spend the night in that lobby waiting for her, but he hoped this wouldn’t be that type of night, and then he heard a soft sigh, he turned to see her, wearing a dress, a beautiful dress, a shortish skirt for her, light blue, spaghetti straps.

Jim stood up, his heart raced for a different reason now, he licked his lips, “Beesly, sorry, Pam, you look beautiful.”

“Sorry I am so late,” she blushed, she didn’t know if she would ever get used to being looked at like that, she hoped she never would. Roy looked at her for his own needs, with Jim, it was different, like he was imagining their forever, thinking of ways to surprise her.

“Hey for this, I would have waited forever.” He took her hand gently, then took her bag from her and slung it over his shoulder.

“I’m glad you didn’t have to wait forever.” She whispered.

Jim pressed his forehead to hers, “me too.”

As they waited for the elevator, he looked at her again and laughed, “I still have to ask, how’d you score a dress so late at night?”

She blushed again, “I got our supplies and then asked the cashier if any clothing stores were still open, she said the outlets stores were a mile away and open late, so I dashed over, and tried to hurry, sorry.”

Jim smiled, “Beesly, I already forgave you as soon as I saw you, I just feel underdressed now.”

Jim took her hand and squeezed it, and then continued to hold it, as they got on the elevator, he kissed her hair, just lightly, it may have seemed small to him, but Roy had never done little actions, it was make-out or sex, no little kisses, no holding hands. She looked at him, tears started to fall again, “I’m sorry too, Jim, I’m so sorry. I see you and I hate myself for doing this to you.”

Jim took her other hand in his, “hey, new rule, enough being sorry for the past, let’s just move on and save our apologies for new things, we both could have done things differently, there’s no denying that, but I would spend a thousand months like the last three if meant knowing you truly loved me, okay?”

She sniffed, “okay, and I do.”

“What?” He smiled at her, finding her adorable as well as sexy.

“I do love you, truly.” She smiled.

“Don’t make fun of my words, Beesly, just because I may flourish like a southern gentleman, I would like my new apology now please.”

Pam reached up and brought his head down to her level and kissed him, elevator door opened, and they walked of, Jim still holding one of her hands, he brought her to their room. “Two things, I got this for four nights, it’s Thursday, we can handle driving into work early on Monday, right?”

Pam grinned, “four nights, someone’s confident, but I love it, that’s great. I can drive in, what about clothes?”

“We will take a two-hour sojourn tomorrow, to get clothing and whatever else, I’ve been looking for an excuse to spend some money, and this seems like a good way to do it. The second thing is, I assume nothing, Pam, if you want to talk, I talk, you want to cuddle, I cuddle, I just want you, whatever form that comes in, I’m in.”

Jim opened the door and as Pam walked in, she saw the cart, the champagne, the strawberries, there were roses, the little touches her ex never thought about because he never truly thought about her, pangs of regret washed over her, she had yelled at Jim for leaving, yet she stayed unhappy for so long, knowing where happiness was.

Jim could sense her feelings, “Beesly, no looking back, you’re here, we’re here, that’s what matters.”

“Five fucking years, Jim, five years I knew I could be happy with you and it took me until now.”

“Pam, the only thing that matters is now, the only thing. You’re my hero, my new outlook on life is “fuck it,” why worry about things we can’t change, I’m done, I was so ready to keep fighting, but that won’t fix things, but this will, being with you, and I don’t mean sexually, just being with you and getting to soak up as much of you as I can.”

Pam laughed, “um, I hate to say this, but I need to pee.”

Jim fake angry sighed, “fine, Beesly, way to kill the mood, the ambiance I have worked so hard to create. Go pee princess.”

Pam rolled her eyes and smiled, she gave him a quick kiss, grabbed her bag and entered the bathroom locking the door behind her. Jim sat down on the bed, he couldn’t believe he was with her, even if sex did not happen, at all, being here was great, he wanted sex, he wanted to know every inch of her, but simply getting to the point of being together, away from the pain, away from his lonely apartment, that was so much more.

Jim was lost in thought when he heard the door open again, he hoped he looked good enough, he had showered and put on deodorant, so he knew he smelled fine, and then he looked up, and he saw her, she was wearing a sheer one piece teddy, his jaw dropped slightly, as soon as Pam saw his reaction, she had a big smirk on her face, “well, Halpert, you like what you see?” 

Jim gulped and nodded at first before regaining his speech capabilities, “Pam, you are so beautiful.”

A single tear slowly made its way down her cheek, “Pam, what’s wrong.”

“I hate to say his name, but Roy never said beautiful, he would only, it doesn’t matter, it’s just hard to face the fact of how happy I could have been, Jim.”

Jim stood up and embraced her, his hands relishing the feel of her bare skin, but his mind focused on her, “Beesly, you’re breaking the rule, no looking back. The what ifs can fuck this up, I regret nothing, having you here now, it somehow makes the pain different, worth it.”

More tears fell now, “but you had pain.”

“Pam, I would have had pain in any situation where I wasn’t with you, but you had to find the courage, I had to find my courage, we did, and now, we’re here.”

Jim kissed her head, Pam sighed and as she opened her eyes, she laughed.

“Something funny, Beesly? Care to share?”

“I’m in lingerie and I’m crying, that’s not right,” she pushed Jim onto the bed, “pants, shirt, now! Get em off Halpert!”

Jim laughed but quickly engaged his hands in stripping off his clothing, “not much for foreplay Pam?”

Pam stared at him, “five years is foreplay enough, don’t you think?”

Jim nodded and finished removing his clothing, when Jim was dressed only in his faded Eagles boxers, Pam climbed on the bed and straddled him, bending over and kissing his neck and upper chest. Jim was letting his hands enjoy the feel of all of her, her back, her thighs, everywhere his mind had tortured with someday touching when he felt a tear drop on his chest and a hesitation in Pam.

“Pam am I that depressing?”

“Jim, I did this to you, you lost weight.”

Jim pulled her down to his chest and kissed her on her lips, her neck, “I’m sorry, I will gain weight, I haven’t been myself, I lost the best part of my life, most of it my fault.” He stopped kissing her, so he could look at her and he waited until she met his gaze, “I’m okay Pam, I’m okay, with you here, I’m so much better than okay.”

Pam cupped his face with her hands, she kissed his lips for a bit then trailed down, kissing his chest, then she dropped her hand down and found his cock, Jim grunted a little as she grasped it, she smiled as she felt it again, remembering her conversation with Penny earlier, she started to stroke it as she coaxed out of his boxers, so she had skin to skin contact. Jim’s long arms and fingers allowed him to reach down and over Pam, his fingers moving the material of her teddy aside as his fingers slowly rubbed the length of her folds, Pam stayed silent but shuttered as she felt the arousal, Jim continued touching her softly, feeling her growing moist, Jim entered two fingers in, Pam threw back her head a bit, “shit, Jim! So good.”

Pam’s hands both moved up to his face, cupping it and stroking it as she tried to convey her arousal through her kisses, Pam began to moan lowly and softly, his other hand under one of her breasts, working the nipple, Jim felt her move, hard, as she started her orgasm, “harder Jim, harder.”

Jim’s fingers were tired, from the angle and the current workout, but didn’t care, he continued to move them in and out, feeling her tighten around them, feeling her juices trickle down his fingers and knuckles. Pam’s body went tense as she yelled his name once more then she more or less collapsed on the him. She lifted her head again so she was eye to eye with him. “You got game Halpert, that was fucking amazing.”

Jim grinned, “just happy to be on the team.” Pam hit him softly, and then rolled off him and started shimmying off her teddy, she didn’t feel particularly sexy of feminine as she did so, but when her gaze was met with the look in Jim’s eyes, she had never felt sexier or more desired. Jim perched himself over her and immediately his tongue started to tease and caress her nipples, moving from one to the other, Pam was ready, “Jim, time to put that thing between your legs to work.”

Jim laughed, “okay, condom?” Pam reached over and grabbed one from her bag on the floor, Jim repositioned himself over her as she opened the package and slid the latex protection over his length, he emitted an almost purr, maybe a grunt, she didn’t care what it was, just that it turned her on. She quickly guided him to her entrance as he pushed in.

“Shit, Jim, you feel so good inside me.” She noticed his eyes were closed, she almost felt bad for disturbing him, she wondered how long he had wanted this moment.

“Pam, no words, no words.” He then began thrusting, gently at first, then picking momentum, harder and harder, while still giving her nipples all the tongue and teeth attention they could possibly desire. Jim felt close when hear Pam.

“Fuck, Jim, just like that, don’t stop, any of it.”

Jim tried to keep whatever he was doing the same as he kept his pumps and tongue actions going, soon Pam’s fingernails were digging into his back, “Fuck me, Jim, hard, like that.” Jim continued as she held tight around his body, he could feel her orgasm, then he felt his own, his hips bucked, his movements different, and then the release.

“Shit, Pam, oh fuck.”

As the lay next to each other on the bed, both still breathing heavy, they still held hands, their fingers laced together, Jim turned his head to meet her gaze, her smile, “I love you, Pam, that, that was amazing. Worth the wait.”

Pam’s tears started up again, she sniffed, “sorry, don’t worry, Jim, I’m happy, it’s still just hard to imagine all we could have had for so long now, but I’m happy.”

Jim kissed her forehead, then sat up, “well, it’d be a shame to let this champagne to go to waste, plus, I’m starving.”

Jim got out of bed and found two robes, he tossed one to Pam before wrapping himself up in one, he tied it shut and opened the champagne. “Pam, are you hungry?”

“Yes, starving.”

Jim smiled and grabbed a small spoon and brought her the yogurt he had specially requested, Pam grinned at him, “you don’t miss a beat Halpert.”

Pam ate her yogurt while Jim poured champagne, she looked at him and felt brave enough to face the next tough question, they had hashed out the past, both admitting to going about things wrong and being miserable, but now, she wanted to be bold and ask about their future.

“Jim, don’t think I’m stupid, okay?”

He looked at her, his eyes radiating in the love he had for her, “never.”

“What happens now, with us? Are we dating? We live two and half hours apart.”

Jim sighed and then laughed, “way to kill the mood again Beesly. I have thought about it, i-uh, I have a suggestion, but you can say no, you’d probably say no.”

“What?” She was curious, Jim wasn’t haphazard, his plans normally had a good foundation to them.

“Well, you, do you want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? They don’t pay you well, they treat you like shit, Michael should have been fired for sexual harassment like twenty times by now, what if, and only what if, you moved in with me, hear me out. I have a job that pays pretty decent, my apartment is paid for by the company for moving there, you could take art classes, there is a good university a mile from my place, they offer all sort of night classes, you could find a job that you didn’t hate. But, you don’t have to, just me, dreaming, sorry.”

Pam grinned, “Jim, don’t be sorry. Do you love your job?” 

Jim shook his head, “no, but, I have a good set up, free place, job pays well, and I could help you out, whatever you needed.”

Pam was silent as she thought about things, Jim hung his head slightly, worried he pushed too fast.

“Do you think we could live together and not kill each other? It’s been a while, since we hung out.”

“Beesly, I can be annoying, but I pretty much worship the ground you walk on, it’s a good situation.”

“I have faults Jim.”

“Oh, I know, you don’t put art supplies away, you can have a temper, you don’t sleep enough, you are too hard on yourself, but I find those adorable and they make you, well you, and that’s pretty fucking perfect.”

“What if Stamford Branch closes?”

Jim put his arm around her, trying to seem confident, “well, I could take severance money and do whatever, with you, or I could go to the other branch, but chances are Scranton gets the axe, but who knows right now.”

Silence, again, Jim was scared, not of losing Pam, but of being too greedy, too fast. “Are you sure, you want me to move in with you?”

“Pam, it sounds crazy, but I know you. We know each other, hell, we just hammered out like twenty sessions worth of therapy today, I know I love you and I know I want you in my life.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, what? Okay I’m crazy, okay you know I love you?”

She grinned at him and shook her head, “no numbnuts, okay, I’ll move in with you. I hate my job, I really do, Michael has sent three different emails about my boobs in the last week and Creed asked if I modeled for websites.”

“That place is terrible, I only loved it because the receptionist was hot.”


End file.
